Do You Want to Be Free Again
"I don't want to be here anymore, simply I'thousand besides afraid to dice."
I typed this into Google a yr ago, my hands shaking as I questioned what I meant. I didn't desire to be alive or exist anymore. But at the same fourth dimension, I didn't quite want to die.
I felt selfish as I typed it, thinking almost all of the people who had been suicidal, worrying that I was being disrespectful to those who had actually lost their lives that way. I likewise wondered whether I was merely being dramatic.
But I pressed enter anyhow, desperate to find an answer for what I was feeling. To my surprise, I was met with search later search of the exact aforementioned question.
"I don't desire to dice, I just don't want to exist," read one.
"I'yard suicidal but I don't desire to die," read another.
And so I realized: I'm not beingness giddy. I'g not existence stupid or melodramatic or attention-seeking. There were so many other people feeling the verbal aforementioned way. And for the first time, I didn't feel quite so solitary.
Help is out in that location
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, assist is out there. Reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. If someone is at immediate risk of self-harm, call a trusted family member or friend or attempt 911 or your local emergency number. Stay with the person until help arrives.
But I withal felt what I felt. I felt distant from the earth and from myself; my life felt almost as though it were on autopilot.
I was enlightened of my beingness, just I wasn't really experiencing it. Information technology felt similar I had become separate from my own self, as though a part of me was but watching my torso go through the motions. Daily routines like getting upwardly, making the bed, and working the solar day away felt most mechanical. I was in a toxic human relationship and heavily depressed.
My life had become repetitive and, in many ways, unbearable.
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And I questioned what the signal in that was, exactly. Why go on living if I didn't actually feel like I was alive?
I started to imagine what people's lives would exist like without me in it. I wondered what would happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.
But at that place was i matter contradicting that: I was scared to die.
So many questions would run through my head when I thought near really ending my life.
What if I attempted to kill myself and it went incorrect? What if it went right, just in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made a error and regretted information technology? What exactly happens after I die? What happens to the people around me? Could I do that to my family? Would people miss me?
And these questions would eventually lead me to the question, practice I really want to die?
The reply, deep down, was no. And so I held on to that to go on me going, that little glimmer of uncertainty every fourth dimension I thought about ending my life. If that tiny bit of unease was withal there, there was a chance I'd be making the wrong decision.
There was a chance that a role of me thought that things could get meliorate.
But information technology wasn't going to be easy. Things had been going downhill for a long time. I had been suffering with severe anxiety caused by PTSD for several months, which had escalated to daily panic attacks. I experienced a constant feeling of dread in my stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea.
This had been taking over my life for so long until, of a sudden, I snapped.
That'south when everything went numb. It was a huge turning signal, going from feeling everything at in one case to feeling cipher at all.
And, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined with the aforementioned daily routine and toxic relationship, made my life feel utterly worthless. At the cease of my rope, I turned to Google. No one ever really explained how to cope with suicidal ideation, specially when y'all don't really want to die.
Scrolling through post later on mail service, I realized that really, a lot of people understood. A lot of people knew what it was similar to not want to be hither anymore but not desire to die.
We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers meant we wanted to know what to do with our feelings instead of ending our lives.
Realizing this gave me hope. Information technology told me that if these people, like me, were still here — despite feeling even so feelings — I could stay, too.
And maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep downwardly, we all wanted to hold on to run into if things could get better. And that we could.
My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a human relationship that was slowly destroying me. And considering I had felt so low, then numb and empty, I hadn't actually taken a footstep aside to really and truly look at this. To expect at how things could get better if I attempted to make changes.
The reason I thought I was just existing was because I really was. I was miserable and I was stuck. Merely I hadn't picked autonomously my life to realize why.
With time, I felt like I was living again, and nearly importantly, that I had and have a life worth living.
I tin't say that in 1 day everything inverse, because it didn't. Only I did start to make changes. I started to run across a therapist, who helped me proceeds some perspective. My toxic relationship ended. I was devastated about it, but things improved so quickly every bit I started to exercise my independence.
Yeah, I nevertheless got up every morning and made the bed, but the rest of the day would be at my easily, and slowly but surely, that started to excite me. I think a huge office of feeling as though I was just some form of existence was because my life was so anticipated. Now that that had been taken away, everything seemed new and exciting.
With time, I felt similar I was living again, and well-nigh importantly, that I had and take a life worth living.
I still suffer with mental illness. There are still bad days, and I know at that place always will exist.
Just knowing that I got through this truly hard time in my life gives me the motivation to get through whatsoever other bad moments once again. It's given me the strength and determination to behave on.
And despite the mode I was feeling at the time, I'm so glad I Googled that question. I'm and so glad I realized I wasn't lone. And I'one thousand and then glad I trusted that unease when it came to the idea of taking my own life. Because that unease led me to living a life I'thou actually happy to be living.
What I want you to know — especially if, similar me, yous institute yourself hither through a Google search or a headline that caught your attention at the right time — is this: No matter how alone or awful you lot feel, please know that you're non alone.
I'k not going to tell you it isn't a horrible, scary feeling. I know that meliorate than well-nigh. But I promise y'all things tin can and often do get ameliorate. You just have to hold on to that doubt, however small information technology might be. That dubiety is in that location for a reason: At that place's an important function of you that knows your life isn't over yet.
And speaking from feel, I can assure you lot that small, nagging feeling is telling you the truth. In that location's a time to come you who will exist so glad you listened.
Commodity originally appeared on June 17, 2019 on Bezzy's sister site, Healthline . Final updated on June 18, 2019 .
Source: https://www.bezzydepression.com/discover/dep-lets-talk-about-it/health-when-you-dont-want-to-be-here-but-youre-too-afraid-to-die/
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